The Pregnancy.

This baby was wanted. Conny and me had been trying for a long time and at last decided to start an infertility-investigation. We made som tests and had had our first visit by the doctor when we found out that I allready was pregnant…10 weeks along allready! We were so thrilled about this baby. We had our dreams about how our world would change in april 1997. The baby was expected in 6.th of April 1997, in my mind a perfect time for a baby-birth.

It was december and cold. I had got that terrible flu that allmost everyone was suffering. I had a funny feeling in my head and my eyes were seeing starfalls and lightning. The 16.th of December I went to see my OB for a regular checkout. She found out that my bloodpressure was increasing. She told me to rest and to visit the midwife during those Christmasdays. I just didn´t understand anything, niether did Conny. After a couple of monitoringvisits at the midwifes we finally understood that something was wrong, very wrong. The day before NewYearsEve I had an appt and I decided to ask more about what was happening. But I never needed to ask. As soon as my bp was messured I was told that I had to go to the hospital at once.

They told me I had pre-eclampsia and that I had to stay in hospitalized bedrest until the birth of my baby. I just didn´t understand,…I was terrified about beeing in bedrest for three months! It took me some days before taking it into my head that they weren´t talking about months, they said hopefully a couple of weeks! But I still didn´t really understand what that included into our and the babys future. I got medicin (trandate) to help my bp that wouldn´t calm down. I also got some shots of steriods to stress the matureing of the babys lungs. The bp was checked several times a day, the babys heartbeating(CTG) was checked tvice a day and the nutrient supply to the baby every two days. They messured the baby weighting about 1 lbs 12oz, a little too small to it´s age.

Two weeks later, the 13.th of January 1997 they found out that the nutrient supply was too bad. Suddenly everything had to happen very fast. I had an emergency c-section done at 14.00 o´clock. Conny was there. We were so frightened, so full of fear of what was happening to our little precious baby. I allmost didn´t dare asking any questions in fear of the answers. My little darling baby, just breath!!!!

The birth of Sandra.

At 14.12 o´clock our baby was was born. We didn´t notice her birth. Conny and me were like hypnotized in trying to support eachother that we didn´t know when she got into this world. The pediatrician had taken care of our baby immediately and transferred her into another room. The midwife just suddenly came and gave us the big news; Congrats, you got a girl,…and she is breathing just fine! I was so astonished. I thought that I had my aby still inside me. I got kind of confused.

Some minutes later we got a polaroidphoto of a little redskinned thin angry looking girl. Her apgar was 7,9,9. They told us that she weighted 1 lbs 11 oz and messured 33 cm. But she looked so complete, thin but such a perfect little baby! I had to stay in a awakeningward even if I hadn´t been asleep during the c-section. I held the photo in my hand, I looked at it over and over again, closed my eyes and held her in my heart and mind. This was our baby! I´m the mother of this baby! Conny went with the midwife to visit our babygirl, to be close to her and take care of her.

The nicu-stay-diary.

Some hours later I finally was released and moved back to the maternity ward. But first I was taken to the NICU to visit my little baby. Conny had allready told me that she was doing fine. He also tried to preppare me about her size, he told me that she was so small and tiny…I entered the IntensiveCare-room in my bed. A nurse was making room beside an incubator. She smiled calmly when she saw me. I was so nervous, I couldn´t think of anything but my daughter lying in that thing. And there she was! There she was, my little babygirl, so beautiful but so tiny. I just don´t understnad this. I really try but I don´t get it. This little preccious creature is my daughter and I´ her mother! She looks so helpless. How am I supposed to take care of her, to rescue her from all evil and pain in this world. She´s so little! One of the nurses asks me to open the incubatordoor to stick in my hand to touch her. I do as told but I´m terrified. I lay my hand carefully over her body, she´s wet and I start crying. I can´t take it anymore. Everyone around me looks so happy and smiling. I just want to leave and be somewhere by my self. Conny takes me to the maternity ward where I had my singleroom to escape to. I´m paralysed.

The following days were full of fear. Sandra, that we named our daughter, did breath with the help of CPAP and did fine her first day. But the next day she got tired and couldn´t make it anymore. She was in such pain and I suffered with her. And there was nothing I could do to help her. We were scared when they had to put her in respirator but when we saw the result we were reliefed. She had respiratory help for a week and after that CPAP for a couple of weeks more. Sandra was very fragile during her first weeks in this world. She got an infection that luckily wasn´t too bad. She lost weight. We could see that but we never will know how much. She was too weak to be taken out from the incubator. The positive sides were that she didn´t have any problems with her stomach or accepting breastmilk. I was a wreck during theese days. Just living for my daughter, waiting for good news, afraid of bad news. The world was totally changed. Nothing existed outside this world of the NICU and maternity ward. Everything that was important was there.

The 24.th of January. Sandra was 11 days old and still weighting only 1 lbs 10 oz. She was doing better. I was so proud and happy over my little Snadra-girl, she was really showing this world that she wont leave. I had been sitting there by her uncubator telling her stories and singing her songs. Sometimes she was restless and angry, sometimes she made an effort of crying. I sticked in my hand and hold it carefully around her body, legs and arms and trying to console her. I love her so much. This day I was sitting there singing when a nurse came and told me that Sandra was coming out from the incubator today to make a visit in her mom´s arms…It took me a while before understanding the meaning of her words. I was going to hold my little baby in my arms today!!! I cried and cried and just cried. They called it kangarooing. Sandra came out for kangarooing every day, in the beginning just 10 minutes but soon I was holding her in my arms for a couple of hours in time. We were enjoying theese moments. These moment of close nearness, warmth and love.

Sandra had a lot of apneas. For a couple of times she stopped breathing totally and became blue. One of these times I was olding her in my arms. The world stopped when I couldn´t find any signs of rebreathing. I was paralysed and so full of fear that I wouldn´t dare thinking of what was happening. This was the worst moment of them all. I was so close of loosing her now when I started to get used to her adn allowing beeing totally attached to her. Sandra needed extra oxygen and because of that she had to stay in her incubator. She also suffered one more infection.

The 24.th of February. Sandra was four weeks old and weighting 2 lbs 10 oz. This was the big day when Sandra got to move out from the incubator into a normal baby-bed. Suddenly everyting was so much easier and more normal. Me and Conny could more easy take care of our daughter. She got dipers and clothes, all of it microsize and still too big. .She also started to show interest in nursing. A couple of days later she could leave the IntensiveCare-room and move into a different ward. Now we were waiting. Sandra was supposed to learn nursing and growing a little more before coming home. And this took time. Sandra nursed everyday, but just not enough! And I was determined of brestfeeding. There had been so much that I couldn´t do for my daughter in her start in this life. I had brestmilk, and alot of it. I wanted this to function. It took until the 4.th of April until she nursed full meals and we finally could leave the hospital for a weekend-leave and take Sandra home. The 9.th of April they released us and we got the fully responsebility of our daughter. Sandra was now her 40 weeks and weighting 4 lbs 14 oz and doing just fine!!!!

Home at last.

This was very short about Sandras and our struggle for her life during her first months in this world. After three months in NICU she finally got home and we became a (almost) normal family with a normal familylife. Our life changed so abruptily that januaryday when I had to give birth to our Preemie-baby-daughter. Her struggle for her life got to us and coloured our souls. There will allways be that special feeling of gratitude of having her with us. Also sadness and sorrow about not have been able to give her the best of starts into her life. Today (04-05-98) our preccious little survivor-girl is 15,5 months old and just doing great! She learned crawling around on her belly ajust to her first birthday and a couple of weeks ago she stood up to stand on her feet. She´s a curious and verbal girl, still small (14 lbs 6 oz and 70 cm tall) discovering her surroundings and enjoying life. She´s happy and we are happy. This little babygirl is the biggest gift we could have. Our Miracle.

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